Saturday, October 27, 2007

A good day to get rid of the old

It's raining today, and it's pretty gloomy outside. The leaves are falling off the trees, and it's starting to get that dismal look of winter in Upstate NY...gray and brown everywhere.

I think today will be a good day to tackle that spring cleaning that I really meant to do six months ago.....better late than never! I've hesitated cleaning out my closests and drawers because I guess a part of me doesn't want to let go of the past. But I'm pretty sure I won't ever fit back into those size 10 jeans, or really don't have any need for 2003 telephone directories for areas that I don't even live in anymore. Maybe if I declutter my physical surroundings it will also help to declutter the depressing thoughts that have taken over my brain lately too. A clean start...fresh surroundings (even if the actual space is the same)...and maybe some fresh ideas too.

I've also started looking at my crafting with new eyes too.....although, my perception of that is still a little gray and grim at the moment. Maybe a few hours of purging other aspects of my life will help with that. to tackle the mess...maybe by the time I'm done the sun, outside and in my head, will make an appearance.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My discussions with myself

I have debates, and discussions with myself a lot. Maybe it's because I don't have anyone else to talk to about the stuff that rambles around in my brain, no-one could possibly understand, and honestly probably wouldn't even care to try to. I feel like one of those cartoons that shows a person with two little figures - one on each shoulder - debating with each other the pros and cons of a situation. Good vs Evil, Pessimism vs Optimism, Praticality vs Dreaming. (No, I don't actually "hear" real no need to call the funny farm just yet, unless of course I start having these conversations out loud - then please do.) Usually Good, Optimism, and Dreaming win these debates, but more often than not lately Pessimism and Practicality have win triumphing in quite a few rounds (Evil never wins, thank fact I don't think Good and Evil ever even talk to each other).

I've worked very hard to try and be a very positive and optimistic person, so much so that often people get annoyed that I'm always looking for the silver lining in every dark cloud. Lately though it seems like the silver in the storm clouds of my life is fading away. I've been slowly coming to the realization that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and that sometimes the bright light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. How's that for good use of cliches? I use cliches a lot. I'm always telling my grown kids, when things haven't worked out as they would have liked - "When one door closes, another opens, or there's always a window", or "The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expeciting different results", or "Things don't always work out they way you'd like them too, but rather the way they are supposed to". Lately the little pessimist on my shoulder is screaming very loudly that all that is a line of crap. I need to figure out how to muzzle him.

The little guy screams alot during my days at my 9-5 (really more like 8 - 7) job. With every day that passes I feel more and more incompetant on this huge project that I am leading, and my tongue is very sore from continuously biting it to keep from telling the various organizations I'm working with (and my management) exactly what I think of their idiocy. I try and take it day by day, or even minute by minute....and to try and remember to take deep breaths and remember that it's "just a job", and one that I desperately can't afford right now to lose....but in reality I would love nothing more than to run away somewhere where there are no e-mails or phones, or project plans or deadlines.

And then there's my crafting business. I'm really thinking that I've been fooling myself into thinking that what I make is any good, or that it is anything that anyone would actually care to pay money for. I have no idea what I'm doing...I've made, and have begun to accept, this realization. Although my relatives may have oohed and aahhed over getting handmade creations by me as gifts (and they have all gotten a lot over the years), there really isn't a market for my stuff with the general least not through the methods that I've thus far tried. So, I debate with myself as to whether to continue my dream of trying, or submit to the practicality of giving up. "Quitters never win".....I know, I know. Someone give the little dreamer guy a megaphone...he needs to be louder than the pesky Practicality guy.

Monday, October 22, 2007

I'd really love to get off this merry-go-round

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like their life is one big Catch-22, and since I've never actually seen that movie, I'm not quite sure how the story works out.

I absolutely hate the fulltime job I have - maybe not all aspects of it, but definitely the majority. The challenge is that I'm paid very well for it - higher than any other comparable jobs in my area, and without a college degree my options are somewhat limited. Right now, my household expenses and financial obligations do not afford me the option of taking a job for less pay - unless I can reduce my debt. I work between 45 - 50 hours a week, in a salaried position with no OT. Because I often have meetings into the evening hours, and also am required to travel occasionally, finding a second part-time job is also not an option. My husband is in a similar situation, so a second job for him is also not ideal (not that he would ever even consider it). So the catch-22 part? I can't get out of my job without additional income, and I can't bring in additional income in the traditional way because of my job. This reality, of course, makes me resent and hate my job even more.

This is where my crafting comes in. I've been sewing, crocheting and crafting for just about as long as I can remember.....and I think I'm pretty good at it. I've also had moderate success in previously selling my creations and custom made works. So....I had this crazy notion that heh, maybe I could bring in some steady extra monthly income doing what I love, in the 8 - 10 hours a day that I'm not working or sleeping. Unfortunately, since I've very much less than stellar success thus far.......I think I'm stuck on this endless merry-go-round for awhile longer. Of course, there's always the hope that I'll win the lottery. If anyone know's how I can pick the winning numbers, let me know......I promise I'll share the jackpot.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

OK.....I have a blog now.

So, I finally decided that I should keep up with the times and start a blog. I have no idea what to write, or if I'll be able to keep up with it on a regular basis, but I'll try. I can't imagine that anyone would be interested in reading this....believe me, my life is not exactly edge-of-your-seat exciting.....but even if I'm only writing for myself it may help me to sort out my thoughts and feelings by putting them down on paper (cyber paper that is).

My goal is to try and add entries at least once a day. Sometimes I'll ramble about my full-time job (which I hate), sometimes about the tribulations of dealing with my grown (twenty-somthing) children - or the latest annoyances on my 26 year marriage. And, maybe, I might even ramble on about my attempts at trying to create a business using my crafting abilities. My hope is that at least some of these ramblings actually make sense. I'll apologize now if they don't. :)