Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My discussions with myself

I have debates, and discussions with myself a lot. Maybe it's because I don't have anyone else to talk to about the stuff that rambles around in my brain, no-one could possibly understand, and honestly probably wouldn't even care to try to. I feel like one of those cartoons that shows a person with two little figures - one on each shoulder - debating with each other the pros and cons of a situation. Good vs Evil, Pessimism vs Optimism, Praticality vs Dreaming. (No, I don't actually "hear" real no need to call the funny farm just yet, unless of course I start having these conversations out loud - then please do.) Usually Good, Optimism, and Dreaming win these debates, but more often than not lately Pessimism and Practicality have win triumphing in quite a few rounds (Evil never wins, thank fact I don't think Good and Evil ever even talk to each other).

I've worked very hard to try and be a very positive and optimistic person, so much so that often people get annoyed that I'm always looking for the silver lining in every dark cloud. Lately though it seems like the silver in the storm clouds of my life is fading away. I've been slowly coming to the realization that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and that sometimes the bright light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. How's that for good use of cliches? I use cliches a lot. I'm always telling my grown kids, when things haven't worked out as they would have liked - "When one door closes, another opens, or there's always a window", or "The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expeciting different results", or "Things don't always work out they way you'd like them too, but rather the way they are supposed to". Lately the little pessimist on my shoulder is screaming very loudly that all that is a line of crap. I need to figure out how to muzzle him.

The little guy screams alot during my days at my 9-5 (really more like 8 - 7) job. With every day that passes I feel more and more incompetant on this huge project that I am leading, and my tongue is very sore from continuously biting it to keep from telling the various organizations I'm working with (and my management) exactly what I think of their idiocy. I try and take it day by day, or even minute by minute....and to try and remember to take deep breaths and remember that it's "just a job", and one that I desperately can't afford right now to lose....but in reality I would love nothing more than to run away somewhere where there are no e-mails or phones, or project plans or deadlines.

And then there's my crafting business. I'm really thinking that I've been fooling myself into thinking that what I make is any good, or that it is anything that anyone would actually care to pay money for. I have no idea what I'm doing...I've made, and have begun to accept, this realization. Although my relatives may have oohed and aahhed over getting handmade creations by me as gifts (and they have all gotten a lot over the years), there really isn't a market for my stuff with the general least not through the methods that I've thus far tried. So, I debate with myself as to whether to continue my dream of trying, or submit to the practicality of giving up. "Quitters never win".....I know, I know. Someone give the little dreamer guy a megaphone...he needs to be louder than the pesky Practicality guy.

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